Today’s question has plagued each one of us, at some point or another of our love lives. How to deal is our boyfriend’s female friend is too close and don’t feel comfortable around her.
So, when our boyfriend’s female friend is too close, what can we do? Should we share our discomfort with our man? Or maybe we should play the “cool” girl and pretend everything’s ok?
Should we put our foot down and say in no uncertain terms that we won’t “tolerate this”?
Rebecca is in a similar situation. Her boyfriend’s female friend is too close for her comfort, and it’s driving her crazy.
Here’s her question to me:
“Hi Sami. There is something that REALLY bothers me. My boyfriend’s female friend is too close, and that makes me very uncomfortable. They have known each other for over 10 years now, and he spends so much money on her. And each time I bring this up, we fight. He says she is very important to him. That he will not give her up because she has always been there for him.
I sent him a text today sharing my discomfort with him, and got an accusatory text back. He said I was jealous and I have to be more grown-up about his friend. I realized I was pushing him a bit too much. So I wrote him that it’s all good and I love him and it’s fine. In response, I got even more rude messages back from him, telling me that he is tired of my jealous bouts and cannot trust me anymore. I am at my spirit’s end. Please HELP ME! Thanks and much love, Rebecca.”
My Answer – How To Deal When Your Boyfriend’s Female Friend Is Too close
Rebecca, first of all, a big hug to you.
Your letter feels very triggered to me. I am going to be straightforward here, so don’t read ahead if you don’t want to…
Now that you’ve decided to read this, then first go back and read your own letter to me.
Do you notice how confused you sound?
But the confused part is okay. We all feel confused at times, and if a boyfriend’s female friend is too close, that is enough to make any woman confused!
What troubles and saddens me is how much “back-and-forth” you go on your own stands.
To me, it feels like an oscillating pendulum, swinging between extremes.
At one moment, you find it unacceptable that your boyfriend’s female friend is too close and that he spends so much money on her – and in the next moment, you text him, “it’s all fine and I love you”.
And then you express surprise and shock at his stream of accusatory messages towards you.
Let me get this straight for you, Rebecca:
Relationship Reality Check #1
It’s a choice you made to share your discomfort that your boyfriend’s female friend is too close, and I LOVED that bit of your confidence
And – every time you take a stand like that with a man, you have to STICK TO IT.
You have to fully embrace your “bad” feelings around this woman, and give them respect, over and above any reasons your man has to offer to you for his friendship with this woman.
Like a broken record, you have to go, “I don’t feel comfortable around her.”
AND…
Relationship Reality Check #2
You cannot change your version from one moment to the next into – “It’s all fine and I love you.”
Why would you say it’s fine, when you know it’s not fine for you that your boyfriend’s female friend is too close and that he spends so much money on her?
When you say it’s fine, not only does your man sense your discomfort and insecurity around your own feelings, he also takes you less and less serious.
When you yourself don’t take your feelings and your own stand seriously, he has no reason to take you seriously either.
And the worst part of it is:
Relationship Reality Check #3
Repeated incidents like these reduce our man’s attraction for us.
You made an active choice to share your dislike of the friendship and of the fact that your boyfriend’s female friend is too close for your comfort. This is all fair and it’s what I would have encouraged you to do, too.
But you backed out on your stand the very second he sent you a text that told you he was sticking to HIS stand.
Again, it is his choice, and I have respect for him at this moment – for sticking to his truth.
Your choice, on the other hand, Rebecca, was to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who values his friendship over and above you, your feelings and his relationship with you.
Instead, you followed your insecurities. You ignored your own feelings of discomfort that your boyfriend’s female friend is too close, and you apologized to him.
Frankly, and it hurts my heart to say this, but I am not surprised that what followed from him was a series of messages that were accusatory in nature.
As harsh as it sounds, this is human instinct.
When men feel in our “vibe” that we treat our own selves badly and as less important, they feel alright with doing the same.
And that’s what’s happening between the two of you right now.
What is done is done. If you are wise and self-serving, you will take this an opportunity to learn and not beat yourself up about it.
But for next time Rebecca, please be less “urgent” in your reactions. Seek a girlfriend to get clarity on your own ideas if you must. Or better yet, seek healing for your deep insecurities in love.
Final Advice
If I were you, Rebecca, I would respect myself in the situation, and not get further and further trapped in having “discussions” with a man who is giving you a clear sign that he is not at the place of commitment that you would want him to be.
I would simply not invest myself further in this relationship. There are so many men out there who would be READY to give you exactly what you want.
And yet, Rebecca, this will only solve the current situation and prevent a further downward spiral with THIS man.
If your self-esteem is inherently low inside (I sense it to be), these patterns will repeat themselves in whatever relationship comes up next again.
So you see, in the end it’s not even about the fact that your boyfriend’s female friend is too close. That is just the outside trigger.
And for everyone reading: If you’re dealing with a similar situation where a man, even if you are in a relationship, I warmly advise you to check out my Attract Your Soulmate program. The first two modules will help you gain inner strength and a sense of self-worth, and truly believe that you are worthy of being fully loved and cherished. And if you decide that a man who is not putting you first is not for you, then the last two modules of Attract Your Soulmate will teach you to bring in, from a place of healthy confidence, that man who WILL be ready and willing to love, prioritize, and commit to you.
Content reproduced from the author’s article originally published on Digital Romance.
Sami has been seen on The Daily Mail, The Elephant Journal, The Natural Health Magazine, and The Huffington Post.
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This is EXACTLY what I am dealing with and I have scoured the web for help. Your response to her was not only kind but, frank and absolutely dead on point. You literally nailed it right on the head. For this, I thank you. I have held my ground with my man for the last several years but to no avail. I’m at the end of my rope and your short yet strong advice has not only comforted me but has inspired me to seek out my inner truth and the strength to let go of what has been hurting me for years.
Just happened to me as well. We broke up over it. I miss him and we have been perfect for each other. But at the end of the day, if he could not prioritize my feelings over a close friendship with another woman, then he is not the one to commit my life to.
I agree, I am currently going through the same thing. My now ex-boyfriend invited a casual sexual partner to a family function and she made a point the entire night to maintain a close proximity to him. After fully expressing myself verbally, I noticed that this situation kept resurfacing (phone calls/text messages). I do not feel as if my I initial concerns were taken seriously and when she was invited to sing at his mother’s funeral, I had to end the relationship. This person was also a family friend but since she was there first and had formed a relationship with them, my feelings were not considered. Although I cared for that deceased family member I had to hold my ground and remove myself. The family and my ex did not feel obligated to protect me so I made a decision to protect myself. I agree with the advice given and I encourage every woman who is deciding what to do in a similar situation to honor your feelings.
Thank you, for the last 2 years I have wrestled with this issue. Standing my ground but then trying to make it work. I finally came to terms with my truth and walked away. My heart is breaking but being with him felt the same heartbreak. I know I will heal.
Hi Sami, I am married to my husband for just a year now. And when we were newly married we went on a trip with his college friends. And there was this female friend who was too close to him. She was drunk and she spoke to him about how he doesn’t talk to her like before and how he has distanced himself from her and she was forcing him to dance with him. My husband was hesitant so I trust him. The problem is I am not comfortable around her. And I talked abt this near him. And he told that she was his friend and that nothing was in between them. And I trust him. But I dont no how to tell him that I am not comfortable her being around him all the time we get together.
Hello ,Sami pls I need ur advice,I use to have male friends till my now boyfriend said he wasn’t comfortable with it ,so I cut them off gradually till I got rid of all of them ,funny thing is he chats with other ladies tells them he loves their ass etc when I confornted him,he said he was getting too flirty n he was sorry n was gonna work on it.we were fine till I noticed that he has gotten too close to a female colleague ( we work at the same place),he hardly chats with me but chats with her into d night……n when we r at work he has no regards or respect for me ,he looks at me at work like am stupid but gets all loving on our way home.now my question is why do I get so angry abt this to d point of hating the lady n am not like dat.
Ma’am, I think you should just move on from him because if he cannot see the sacrifice you made by cutting off your male friends for him then he doesn’t deserve you, I understand you bcz I went through it and I am a male
There is a silver line between dating , relationship, and marriage. If you are in any of these type of relationships you don’t keep auditioning men or women that potentially can ruin your marriage or relationships. Men or women that are not ready to commit will keep auditioning others!