“Help Sami, he hasn’t messaged!” My client Melissa was in tears and very distressed when her man she is in a relationship with went unexpectedly silent on her. Previously, he was continuously staying in contact, sending regular messages. Every day, he let her know she was loved. However, when she was on a holiday with the girls, this withholding and silence occurred. Melissa was left wondering what she had done. Can you relate?
Now, the usual response for any assertive, take-charge woman in this situation is to find out why he has withdrawn, so the problem can be fixed.
Most likely family and friends would suggest the same: “Well if he hasn’t messaged you, then just message him yourself and ask him, how are you going to get closure or any understanding if you don’t find out?”. Or, perhaps out of anger, you want to let him know that what he is doing is wrong.
Doing this would instead push him away even further and not give you the result you want.
Even if he did reply, there is no guarantee he would communicate what is going on for him, nor would he necessarily change what he is doing.
His silence is suggesting that he is retreating, backing away, and it is not a demonstration of a commitment to the relationship right now.
This is hard to hear, isn’t it? But I’m sure we can all relate why the common reaction from a woman is to chase, to put her energy into going after him in this situation.
I’m going to suggest a radical new response to this situation, based on the Feminine Energy principles I teach.
My clients are all familiar with me reminding them to lean back into their feminine energy. In practical terms, what do I mean by that, in the particular case when he hasn’t messaged?
- There is nothing for you to do right now about the relationship.
- If there is intense emotion, you are most likely experiencing a trigger.
- If love isn’t coming towards you from your man, this is your cue for some loving self-care.
- You can “attract” love and be a magnet for everything you want in a relationship.
Let’s go step by step. This might feel completely unfamiliar at first. But you can trust this process – following it, I have achieved phenomenal success with my clients finding and keeping the love of their dreams.
1. Do Nothing!
Firstly, please believe me when I say that, in this situation, there is nothing you need to do right now to rescue your relationship.
This may feel counter-intuitive. Take a few deep breathes if needed. Relax!
Let’s first start by releasing all the urgency of needing to fix it, or to get him to respond and insist on a certain outcome.
Try on the idea that all is working in your favour, regardless of whether he messages or not.
2. Are you triggered because he hasn’t messaged?
Is there intense emotion? This might be hard to hear, but consider he is most likely not the one causing your pain. You may be triggered by something that happened to you in the past.
Looking at triggers can be deep inner exploration, that is beyond the scope of this article; in needed, I recommend private coaching to address any difficulties you may have here.
It is important to deal with triggers not just for your own well-being, but for maintaining a healthy relationship that has no room for blame and judgement. Where these exist, there is no love.
So here are some helpful questions you can ask yourself when you are feeling triggered:
- What are you feeling?
Accept it, whatever it is. Don’t judge yourself for feeling afraid, ignored, or angry or sad, abandoned, alone, unloved. Whatever you are feeling, feel it, allow it.
- Ask, why you are feeling this way?
What does this remind you of in the past? This could be a childhood event.
Be gentle with yourself here – you were a child who didn’t know any better than to blame herself for another’s unloving behaviour.
But is this feeling even the truth about you? For instance, Melissa felt abandoned because of being placed in foster care as a child. Fear of abandonment from this triggered interpretation is what she brings to her adult relationships.
Is it true that, if her parents left her in foster care, that it means she became worthless? No! Only she could decide that about herself, and as an adult it was time for a new choice.
- What new interpretation or meaning can you now apply to the situation, so you can create a new response?
For instance, can you be curious and open and not attached, because you are not making his behaviour mean anything about you? Can you stop being afraid of the worst-case scenario, knowing that, no matter what, you will handle it?
Can you be confident in the universe working in your favour for you to have what you want, even if it doesn’t look like it right now?
3. Remember, not getting what you want from a man is a time for some important self-care.
Bring the focus back to you. He is an adult and can take care of himself, he does not need you to mother him.
Step back, sit down and do this simple exercise.
- List 25 things that make you feel loved, that you can do for yourself.
- Do one thing from this list right now.
- Make a commitment to yourself to do at least 2 things from this list, daily.
- Start a daily Gratitude Journal
4. Trust in the power of Feminine Energy to “Attract”
And this is my favourite topic: feminine energy.
In the most basic way of explaining it, feminine energy is about allowing and receiving. Masculine energy is about assertion and giving.
When you think of a woman’s power to attract a man, it is all about just being. It is all about receptivity and letting the man do all the work to win you. This creates a polar energy of masculine and feminine, that is essential for romance and attraction.
In the present situation, when he hasn’t messaged, to respond to his silence by chasing him is very action-oriented; it’s all about taking initiative and control, to try and produce a certain result. This is masculine energy.
There’s nothing wrong with exuding this energy in our careers – it’s helped us be very successful. But in our love life it will push a man away. Or, it will change the dynamic in your relationship, where you will need to be the provider, the one who pursues him and gives your attention to him. This dynamic does not make a relationship last with a man, either.
Wouldn’t you rather instead be the deserving and desirable woman a man instinctively wants to give his attention to?
For a lot of women, it is a challenge to learn to receive.
Many of us have been conditioned to think we are not worthy just as we are, believing we must work hard to achieve and we don’t deserve to just have our dreams appear effortlessly.
I’m all for a revival for the feminine ability to receive, to inspire love from a man by feeling unshakeably worthy of it, just because you exist – not because of what you do.
I can say without a doubt, this is THE most attractive quality for any woman, no matter what she looks like. When I have interviewed men, they have all said this very thing.
When you believe wholeheartedly in your worth, you would not settle for less than a high-quality man, who will treat you like you are a valuable treasure. I have helped hundreds of women build confidence in their intrinsic value. From this realm of unconditional self-love, they have attracted their soul mate.
The power of attraction is in your energy (your thoughts and feelings and who you are being) that creates an echo back to you from the world. In other words, when you love yourself, you will be loved. It is a universal law.
Do you want to be with the man who will devote his life to you? Be devoted to yourself, invest in you and let him come towards you.
Your only job is to stay open and receptive when he does. And he will. Attracting forever love from this inner space is inevitable, and I can show you how. I have not only achieved this for myself, but also successfully coached hundreds of other women to their own enjoyment of this result.
If you’re new to my teachings and want to start small, my Diva Dating Toolkit will give you some powerful introductory resources – including my best-selling ebook, Your Feminine Roadmap To His Commitment, my confidence- and femininity-nurturing affirmations audio, Diva In Love, Diva In Life, as well as an enlightening teleclass with a male relationship expert and many bonuses. Find the Toolkit HERE.
Love, Sami
Sami has been seen on The Daily Mail, The Elephant Journal, The Natural Health Magazine, and The Huffington Post.
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