In today’s blog, I’m taking up a question on what to do when men text but don’t ask you out. I’m also going to go below the surface and examine why this can feel so irritating and triggering for us women.
Read on to learn what it means when a situation when men text you but don’t ask you out is causing a strong negative reaction in you!
“Hi Sami! There’s this man I spoke to on the phone once. Like you teach us in Attract Your Soulmate, I kept the phone call short and sweet. It felt good, although he didn’t ask me out during the phone call itself.
But then he sent me a text at 2am. The next morning he sent me another text. And then he sent me some puppy dog photos, even though he knew I was at work and not available. And despite constantly texting me, he didn’t once mention anything about wanting to actually meet me…
I have not responded to any of these texts so far. But I am feeling extremely uncomfortable right now and almost turned off. All these silly pictures and useless texts at the wrong hours really piss me off!
Sami, why would men text but don’t ask you out? Should I say something about it? How do I communicate that it is really, really annoying me?”
~ Michelle, United States
I love Michelle’s question, because it reflects a reality that I know many women face. In today’s dating landscape, constant texting that goes nowhere is a real problem, almost an epidemic.
There will be two parts to my answer. The first is what to say when men text but don’t ask you out. However, I’m not going to leave it there. I also want to help you understand why such a situation can be so irritating.
You see, it shouldn’t bother you that much that men text but don’t ask you out. Why? Simply because, if you have never met, you don’t know these men at all. They are simply strangers who should not be able to elicit such a strong emotional reaction in you. If it’s happening, then a trigger must be in place, and understanding it and healing it can help you move forward in your love journey.
The Quick Fix When Men Text But Don’t Ask You Out
What to do when a man constantly messages you and it pisses you off?
First of all, like Michelle actually did (well done, diva!) – you don’t engage and don’t feel obliged to answer his pointless text.
Instead, you just speak up in a very straightforward manner and without mincing your words. It can be something along the lines of:
“Hi, thanks for the puppy photos. I am not big on texting and I prefer phone calls and face to face interactions. So, feel free to let me know when you have a plan!”
That’s the script, and if you’re worried that it’s too forward or masculine – it’s not. It is a very diva response to a situation when men text but don’t ask you out. Remember, healthy men respond best to simple, clear communication.
Should you share you feelings and how much this is annoying you?
At this point, no. I definitely believe that feelings are a way to connect with a man’s heart, and expressing them (the positive and the negative) is an integral part of a healthy romantic relationship. However, this is not the case in the very early stages of dating and especially when you haven’t even met the man. For now, simply stating your preference is enough.
Why are we doing this?
To give men the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes, when men text but don’t ask you out, it just shows that they are not that self-aware. They’re excited to be in contact with a pretty woman and showing that excitement by trying to get your attention. He may not even know that this is turning you off. Men are not mind readers, and stating boundaries and preferences is healthy and attractive.
At this point, if he stops the constant texting and instead asks you out on a real date, then all is well. Give him a chance and enjoy Rotational Dating him!
However, if he continues to flout this preference even after you have expressed it very clearly, then you want to delete and block him. It’s time to cut him lose, because this man is showing you very clearly that he’s not listening to you.
While this might seem like a really small thing at the start of dating, this is only going to escalate. How a man responds to your requests, preferences, boundaries speaks volumes about his capacity to adhere to what you desire from him.
Men are revealing themselves from the very start of the dating process. So if men text but don’t ask you out even AFTER you have specifically and clearly told them you don’t like this, then they are showing you that they can’t deliver the kind of listening, nurturing, supportive relationship that you desire from your masculine partner.
And this is not just about texting. This could be about any other boundary preference that you are stating. And if a man repeatedly flouts that, it’s time to let him go, ladies.
Going Deeper – Why It Triggers You When Men Text But Don’t Ask You Out
In Michelle’s question, she wrote how annoyed and uncomfortable she is feeling with this situation.
On the one hand, being displeased when men text but don’t ask you out is a GOOD thing.
When you do the inner work, your self-awareness rises. You become very clear-headed and know that you deserve the whole meal – the ring, marriage, a healthy romantic partnership where you feel cherished and adored. (I know Michelle has been working with the Attract Your Soulmate program. Check that out HERE if you still have trouble believing that you are worthy of the love and commitment your heart desires!).
However, what I want us to notice here is the intensity of Michelle’s response to the situation – she feels extremely annoyed and uncomfortable. And that is unnatural for the situation. With someone you hardly know, why on earth should this person get so much of our energy? The disproportionate response is what makes this an emotional trigger.
And Michelle is triggered because she is currently in a transition phase. She knows she deserves better, and yet she has high expectations from men. And when, instead of stepping up fast, a man is “wasting her time” with useless messages, urgency creeps is.
So the next level of diva growth for Michelle (and for you too, if you also get very angry and triggered by men who constantly text) is to not have expectations. To understand that Rotational Dating is a selection process and not wait for each man your meet to be the One. To not allow men you’ve just spoken to, to leak her energy.
That way, when men text but don’t ask you out, you will be able to uphold your desire for the right man, and, in the process, let the wrong ones slide off without affecting you and lowering your vibe.
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