In today’s blog, I’m taking up a question on what to do when men text but don’t ask you out. I’m also going to go below the surface and examine why this can feel so irritating and triggering for us women.
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Read on to learn what it means when a situation when men text you but don’t ask you out is causing a strong negative reaction in you!
The Question:
“Hi Sami! There’s this man I spoke to on the phone once. Like you teach us in Attract Your Soulmate, I kept the phone call short and sweet. It felt good, although he didn’t ask me out during the phone call itself.
But then he sent me a text at 2am. The next morning he sent me another text. And then he sent me some puppy dog photos, even though he knew I was at work and not available. And despite constantly texting me, he didn’t once mention anything about wanting to actually meet me…
I have not responded to any of these texts so far. But I am feeling extremely uncomfortable right now and almost turned off. All these silly pictures and useless texts at the wrong hours really piss me off!
Sami, why would men text but don’t ask you out? Should I say something about it? How do I communicate that it is really, really annoying me?”
~ Michelle, United States
My Answer:
I love Michelle’s question, because it reflects a reality that I know many women face. In today’s dating landscape, constant texting that goes nowhere is a real problem, almost an epidemic.
There will be two parts to my answer. The first is what to say when men text but don’t ask you out. However, I’m not going to leave it there. I also want to help you understand why such a situation can be so irritating.
You see, it shouldn’t bother you that much that men text but don’t ask you out. Why? Simply because, if you have never met, you don’t know these men at all. They are simply strangers who should not be able to elicit such a strong emotional reaction in you. If it’s happening, then a trigger must be in place, and understanding it and healing it can help you move forward in your love journey.
The Quick Fix When Men Text But Don’t Ask You Out
What to do when a man constantly messages you and it pisses you off?
First of all, like Michelle actually did (well done, diva!) – you don’t engage and don’t feel obliged to answer his pointless text.
Instead, you just speak up in a very straightforward manner and without mincing your words. It can be something along the lines of:
“Hi, thanks for the puppy photos. I am not big on texting and I prefer phone calls and face to face interactions. So, feel free to let me know when you have a plan!”
That’s the script, and if you’re worried that it’s too forward or masculine – it’s not. It is a very diva response to a situation when men text but don’t ask you out. Remember, healthy men respond best to simple, clear communication.
Should you share you feelings and how much this is annoying you?
At this point, no. I definitely believe that feelings are a way to connect with a man’s heart, and expressing them (the positive and the negative) is an integral part of a healthy romantic relationship. However, this is not the case in the very early stages of dating and especially when you haven’t even met the man. For now, simply stating your preference is enough.
Why are we doing this?
To give men the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes, when men text but don’t ask you out, it just shows that they are not that self-aware. They’re excited to be in contact with a pretty woman and showing that excitement by trying to get your attention. He may not even know that this is turning you off. Men are not mind readers, and stating boundaries and preferences is healthy and attractive.
At this point, if he stops the constant texting and instead asks you out on a real date, then all is well. Give him a chance and enjoy Rotational Dating him!
However, if he continues to flout this preference even after you have expressed it very clearly, then you want to delete and block him. It’s time to cut him lose, because this man is showing you very clearly that he’s not listening to you.
While this might seem like a really small thing at the start of dating, this is only going to escalate. How a man responds to your requests, preferences, boundaries speaks volumes about his capacity to adhere to what you desire from him.
Men are revealing themselves from the very start of the dating process. So if men text but don’t ask you out even AFTER you have specifically and clearly told them you don’t like this, then they are showing you that they can’t deliver the kind of listening, nurturing, supportive relationship that you desire from your masculine partner.
And this is not just about texting. This could be about any other boundary preference that you are stating. And if a man repeatedly flouts that, it’s time to let him go, ladies.
Going Deeper – Why It Triggers You When Men Text But Don’t Ask You Out
In Michelle’s question, she wrote how annoyed and uncomfortable she is feeling with this situation.
On the one hand, being displeased when men text but don’t ask you out is a GOOD thing.
When you do the inner work, your self-awareness rises. You become very clear-headed and know that you deserve the whole meal – the ring, marriage, a healthy romantic partnership where you feel cherished and adored. (I know Michelle has been working with the Attract Your Soulmate program. Check that out HERE if you still have trouble believing that you are worthy of the love and commitment your heart desires!).
However, what I want us to notice here is the intensity of Michelle’s response to the situation – she feels extremely annoyed and uncomfortable. And that is unnatural for the situation. With someone you hardly know, why on earth should this person get so much of our energy? The disproportionate response is what makes this an emotional trigger.
And Michelle is triggered because she is currently in a transition phase. She knows she deserves better, and yet she has high expectations from men. And when, instead of stepping up fast, a man is “wasting her time” with useless messages, urgency creeps is.
So the next level of diva growth for Michelle (and for you too, if you also get very angry and triggered by men who constantly text) is to not have expectations. To understand that Rotational Dating is a selection process and not wait for each man your meet to be the One. To not allow men you’ve just spoken to, to leak her energy.
That way, when men text but don’t ask you out, you will be able to uphold your desire for the right man, and, in the process, let the wrong ones slide off without affecting you and lowering your vibe.
Sami has been seen on The Daily Mail, The Elephant Journal, The Natural Health Magazine, and The Huffington Post.
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Just let one go after 5 weeks of useless everyday messages. I went out with him twice then messages like he was stringing or putting me on hold. I confronted him twice. Finally had to block him . With i will call the cops next time. Learned big time ! Don’t settle for useless crumbs . They are so self absorbed they aren’t aware they are using and playing some for their ego.
I had the similar experience but he did ask me out once and we went out. But subsequently he didn’t seem to actually want to hang out but will occasionally hint at hanging out which was very confusing. And I asked him out a few times after that but was only said yes to once. Though pursuant to that he actually volunteered to teach me the guitar. But after that, he’d constantly talk about other girls and still continue to text me everyday, which got to a point it annoyed me that I just sort of told him off and we stopped talking. I don’t know how to feel about this as I feel very much rejected?
Hi, this guy has been texting me everyday for a year. He texts first thing in the morning to say good morning, during the day to see how my day is going and then to say goodnight.
We met for dinner 3 times recently but thats me inviting him to dinner. He talks about us doings things together but has not asked me out. He did say that he cares very much for me. Help me understand so I can move on please.
He’s not stepping up so don’t ask HIM out! He’s giving you crumbs. You deserve the meal. And there’s high value men who are willing to step up and properly ask a lady out. Don’t settle for less. You will benefit greatly by watching all of Sami Wunder’s YouTube videos and reading her blog posts here.
U need to confront them untill they speak the truth. I had one like this also. He did “like” me, no love me. Not me, not another girl. He doesn’t doe relationship. He only does gilfriends. Thats why they don’t do real dates and are vague.. be carefull girls with this players
Met a very nice man online, We are in our early 60’s. He is smart and positive. Had a coffee meet and greet. He is interested in me per his texts. He continues to text about looking forward to going to a certain outdoor place. But he is not doing part 2 and that is the ask. I don’t get it. It is beginning to bother me. I am interpreting him as not being available. I’m going to wait a bit longer. Then I will probably text “Are you asking me out on a date”. If I just get a yes with no ask about date and time, I’m moving on. Too exhausting at this age and I’m not willing to teach a 60 year old what a 13 year old boy has the ability and awareness to do. And I say this respectfully. As some of the comments above, I will not accept crumbs. Comments welcomed. Thanks for reading
He may have lost some interest. Or may be texting other women, looking for a better “offer” while keeping you on his back-burner in case the others don’t pan out. Comments from a 66 year-old very happily married man (36 years)! When I met my now-wife 38 years ago, texting didnt exist. We used the telephone, like everyone else. And cards/letters. Flowers, too. Today, texting allows people do really annoying/boorish things that would/could never be done with telephones, or letters. I personally would not want to be dating today, with all the texting and social media protocols to deal with. I like the way we did it before – and it turned out just fine for us! But texting can “smoke-out” undesirable behaviors in a potential mate far quicker than the older communication methods. Use it to your advantage! Dont waste your valuable years on men who won’t take the next positive step.
I’ve been talking to a guy for three weeks that I met online. He initially asked me out, we hung out and it was a nice time. Since then we have done nothing but text, and each time I’ve tried to break things off or get some clarification on our situation he’s told me not to take it personally that he does this with friends and so on but it bothers me and I’m beginning to think he is not well in some mental capacity which is weighing on me. I do like him but what should I do?
Also I feel like I got into the habit of initiating most of our texting contacts which just came naturally to me in this situation but he’s never given me a reason to feel weird about it like he’s never given me one word texts or had a tone like I was bothering him better yet he’s always engaged and keeps the conversation going for the most part. One thing I will say is that everything seems to be on his time phone calls, responding times etc. What does this mean I don’t want to think too hard about it it should just be as simple as he’s into me or he’s not into me, which one is it and how long should I wait? Moreover this just seems like a complex situation because we would be an interracial couple although I’ve been in interracial relationships before and it’s been as simple as do our goals align and is there a spark. In this situation I find myself wondering if he’s scared of commitment, whether an interracial relationship is something that he would actually want, or is he’s just looking out for his best interest and taking it really slow to feel out our connection. I don’t feel wanted but I do feel valued in some sense like he cares about what I think but is that enough to keep this up?
Too many women have zero clue as to how the ME TOO movement has effected good males. I recently held opened a door at dept store for a woman in her early 50’s (older than me), and she slammed the door in my face and said, “I can open the door on my own, thank you.” Same thing with a girl in her early 20’s. When I mentioned that I did the same thing for a 70+ year old man a few minutes earlier, it made zero difference to the young woman. I have given up on all forms of chivalry, half of which I feel are antiquated anyway. The bottom line is that I feel American society would be better off anyway if women asked men out. It has to do with their capacity to get pregnant and give birth. If you are dating a man, you better make dang sure the guy makes a decent salary, has stability, and is a man who won’t dump you should you get pregnant. A female friend of mine has a little boy and has zero idea where the dad is. He just left the country and is overseas. Men are much better able to get away with this nonsense. It is much harder for women as mothers. Women need to take more responsibility when it comes to their dating lives. You should be choosing the men – not the other way around. Too many bad things can happen if you leave it up to guys.
Reunited with an old hs friend. Had an amazing first date that lasted 48 hours. No sex, our mutual choice for unpreparedness. Still lovely. Either one of us slept from enjoying each other’s conversation. Second date he backed out of intimacy but wanted a third date. His dog died during the date. It was awfully sad. Now he just texts me constantly. I feel like I’m in the friend zone. I do not understand?