Hi, This is Sami!
Today’s question comes from Anna Schubert in Bayern, Germany (name used with permission). It’s a brilliant question about men and one night stands, so much so that I decided to share it with my community because I know it can help many of us.
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Here’s the question:
Love your work and love your style of teaching. To me you are my angel, my guardian and after just one session with you. I can feel my world is already turning around and so fast! Men are coming to me like bees to honey – on the streets, at the gym, everywhere!! 🙂
After our session last week, I had a burning question about this guy I met at a party and slept with. The chemistry was great, he courted me all evening, the conversation was amazing and then after a few drinks, he came over to my place and the inevitable happened. It has been a whole day and I haven’t heard from him. I would never have slept with a stranger but we really did connnec and had an amazing conversation. It was definitely not all about rushing to bed. I feel a bit anxious now to lean forward and contact him and wanted your advice on the situation because the next session is only next week and I can’t wait that long to know what to do. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Anna.”
My Response To Anna
Anna, firstly, good work with asking first before acting!
Now, I have SO much to say to this, that I don´t know where to start. So let me start by saying this first –
1) Emotional And Physical – Two Separate Worlds For Men
Before jumping into bed with ANY man, you need to know that the realm of emotions and physical intimacy are completely separate and disconnected for a man, especially in situations like one night stands, where he hardly knows you.
One evening of great conversation is not enough to qualify as adequate knowing of each other. Hence what has meaning for you dear Anna, unfortunately has neglibible to no meaning for him.
When you agree to quick physical intimacy, the man concludes that you are operating just the way he operates – for sheer pleasure and nothing more (no emotions, no obligations).
Think of it this way – being physically close to you is like being in New York for a man. His emotional centre, his soul though, is far away in Seattle. In order for your one night stand to have touched his soul or moved him emotionally in any way, you would have to inspire him to fly to Seattle and access those parts of him far, far away from New York.
Can you see what a huge task this is for him, if you are willingly meeting him in New York itself? He has no reason to fly to Seattle for you.
However, if you meet him in Seatlle, his natural instincts will drive him constantly to make you fly with him to New York – he will be inspired to do it. This brings me to point 2.
2) Move From Emotional Intimacy To Physical, Not The Other Way Around
If creating a real relationship is what you are looking for (the one that lasts and the one that gets you a man devoted to you), then-
Emotional intimacy comes before physical intimacy.
You meet the man’s soul and his emotional centre in Seattle, he courts and woos you and he feels inspired to fly with you to New York because you have captured his interest.
When you follow this order of things, you are way more likely to be courted with love after sleeping with the guy instead of being left alone, abandoned and insecure because he is somewhat invested in the “person” that you are and not just your body.
3) Have Clarity Regarding What You Want Before Getting Into Bed
I am not against women having fun for the SAKE OF HAVING FUN!
If you are 100% sure that a quick one night stand and some hot fun is all that you are looking for, by all means go for it.
As a love coach, what I am against is the false things you tell yourself. You start the evening by saying, “I am only having fun,” but by the next evening, you are already worrying that he hasn’t written you back.
Well Anna, the straight truth is that he is under no obligation to write you back. You are not his girlfriend!
I would also not lean forward and contact him. If you have read my E-book, “Your Feminine Roadmap To His Commitment – Learn How To Inspire A Man´s Full Devotion” ( If not, get it today and read it over the weekend), you know I am not a coach who believes in this kind of pursuit of men.
Let it go for now, Anna ,and for next time, I want you to have complete clarity.
If you really like the guy and are indeed having a great time with him, cut out the alcohol and cut out the temptation to take him home.
As you can see, this kind of behaviour really reduces your chances of having a meaningful connection with the man.
If fun is all you want, go for it. Just make sure you are not lying to yourself and you will be unaffected by his presence or absence, the morning after.
Comment below to let me know what your experiences in this particular area have been or if you have any questions for me.
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3 thoughts on “Understanding Men And One Night Stands”
Loved the article, kudos for it, Sami! And, I feel kinda triggered—not in the yucky way, more in a nostalgic way. Up until this summer, I had quite a few one-night stands and short-term flings, and mostly I enjoyed them tremendously, learned a lot, practiced receiving and being open, and gained a lot of self-confidence. The few cases when it felt bad were EXACTLY when I was lying to myself about my own intentions—I could SO resonate with the part about clarity!
One thing I’ve discovered is that the “sex” in “don’t have sex before emotional intimacy” can sometimes be tricky to define (especially when you’re trying to follow the rule AND lawyer your way around it). For example, there was one guy I saw a few times: technically, I never slept with him, only had some amazing heavy making-out session, but the chemistry was so strong that it messed me up and I created a whole “imaginary relationship”. (Looking back, I can see that withholding sex, when both of us clearly wanted it, was just a mind game that didn’t help—I would have been better off just being present in the moment and enjoying it…). My own mind game worked against me. Conversely, there have been times when I did have sex (even passionate, affectionate sex), and still kept my head clear… So I suspect that ultimately, it’s not what you DO, but what you feel about it, and what your agenda is… What do you think? 🙂
Hi Sammi I have a question
So I was in a relationship with a man for about 4 months we broke up because of a bad fight then we still saw each other were just sex partners then just friends now back to sex partners and right now this whole month has been great I used some of your advice I have still had some don’ts but everything has still been going good. In the beginning he told me he wasn’t sure about getting back with me I told him I was fine with it and sex was okay and nothing more then we started talking more seeing each other more he stays over and comes over more last night I mentioned a feeling when it comes to me thinking I’m pregnant but I didn’t say it to where it’s what I meant but he still got it and thought that he mentioned that if I was and how he wouldn’t want the fact of me being pregnant to be the reason he makes a rash decision to have to be with me I instantly told him that’s not how I want it or how it should be and I added plus you don’t see me as a girlfriend anyway he then said actually I been coming over a lot more it feels like I’m seeing you like that… I was happy to hear that but don’t want to assume or act on it as in automatically he’s going to ask me out again but in the back of my mind I have thoughts that he just wants sex he isn’t connected or sees me like a girlfriend plus I already told him I’m fine with just sex no pressure or demands expectations for us to get back together. How do I change or fix that from no longer being just a sex partner and have him see me more than that and want all of me and not just my body?