The topic of why men ghost, especially around the 3 month mark, has recently been extremely alive in my community. First with a dear private client, then with an Inner Circle client, and now even with two separate women on my private Facebook group Wunder Divas! BTW, we’re an amazing and inspiring, private community of over 11k professional women. You can join our group here.
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Now let’s break down the topic of why men ghost on women during dating, and what the most high value / diva way to respond to it is.
What Is Ghosting?
It is the act of your date / the man you’re seeing disappearing on you without any explanation.
It is called “ghosting” because that’s how it feels: from one day to the next, everything changes. You stand there and ask yourself: “What just happened? Is this even real? Everything was going so well…”
What Is Its Impact?
The impact of ghosting can be varied: If you’ve been expecting it to not last as things haven’t been going well anyway, you will not be that surprised when a man disappears on you.
It will feel bad, but, at some level you knew inside that it’s about to happen.
However, ghosting can be one of the most painful experiences to navigate when the man has been treating you like a queen for weeks and then suddenly decides to disappear on you completely, without any explanation. It is such cases that make you spin in your head, trying to understand why men ghost.
Here you were, thinking you’ve found the one – and there he is, disappearing on you like all of this never happened.
Now the second scenario is not only painful, it also lands many women in a painful cycle of self-judgement.
Besides trying to understand why men ghost, women also internalize the guilt:
“What did I do wrong here, for him to disappear on me like this?”
“Why don’t I ever go beyond the 3-month mark with any good man?”
“What is wrong with me?”
“Why do men always chicken out when a relationship starts to get real?”
Now here’s what I want you to know my beautiful one:
None of the above thoughts are true!
In fact, they are all the wrong questions to ask at this point, and will not give you information on why men ghost, or why a particular men has ghosted on a particular woman.
A man ghosting on you does not mean anything is wrong with you or that you will never be able to navigate beyond the 3-month mark, or that all men ghost on women they like, when the relationship gets real.
My husband did not, and neither did any of the husbands of my happily married clients.
To navigate this situation, let’s see why men ghost on women in the first place, and more importantly the high value response you can give in this situation.
Why Men Ghost
Well, there are several potential reasons.
A male expert, for example, explains that men ghost, often around the 3 month mark, because that is when a relationship starts to get real, and his fears come up.
Yet another says that they ghost because they get overwhelmed by the intensity of their feelings and cannot cope with them. (Ah, my 2.5 year old son also has this issue currently, so I understand these men!!)
Yet another one says that men ghost on a woman around that point because they may not be ready to give you what you want.
My husband Chris (who I consult on all matters male-brain-related – he is more calm and quiet than me but with laser sharp masculine instincts) says men disappear on a woman when they are not sure that she’s their forever one.
Among all the expert explanations, it is ironically my husband’s response that hits home for me the most.
Why?
Because, as a relationship expert, I know that a man would try to overcome his fears, his insecurities, all his doubts, for a woman who he is sure about is his “THE ONE.”
His passion, his desire, his wanting to be with her will help him trump his demons and fears. This is the kind of woman I teach my clients to be when I help them do their inner work in my programs.
Being the woman he would do and overcome anything to be with…
So in some sense, all of these mental acrobatics about why men ghost on women do not interest or capture me.
They actually feel like a waste of time, a temporary way to distract a woman from addressing the real issue:
How do you respond to a man who ghosts on you, irrespective of WHY he ghosted on you?
Because his “why” does not matter… that he ghosted on you, DOES!
The High Value Response To Ghosting
I believe there are two things of importance here:
1) Understand that there is nothing you can do to make him change his mind.
Men do what they want, and the last thing you want to do in a romantic equation is beg a man to be with you.
I know you don’t literally beg, but when you send that text or call him to ask what happened, or even call him to call him a jerk, the energy feels one of begging and chasing to HIM!
When he ghosts on you, he’s showing you what’s going on within him. See it.
He is not calling because he doesn’t want to.
Yes, it hurts, I know, I understand, I’ve been there myself, so many amazing women have too, and yet these women have gone on (including myself) to meet other amazing men and create amazing marriages and committed relationships – and so will you.
So don’t reach out and don’t ask for an explanation. You can vent to your friends or to me.
2) Move on & start rotational dating
Yes, he may come back, and then he must work hard to win your trust before you can even think of giving him a second chance. A man who can get afraid once, can always get afraid a second time.
However, his return is not the possibility you want to actively rely on. It will emotionally block you from moving forward in your own love life.
So cry your heart out and start AFRESH.
Start rotational dating.
And next time, manage your emotional investment better. That is what this is ultimately about.
Men treat many women well, but they don’t want to marry all those women.
Don’t interpret that good treatment, more than at face value.
Happy weekend and sending love,
Sami Wunder
P.S. I am feeling inspired to do a 5-day coaching program, in live interaction with you ladies, to help single women overcome their BLOCKS in letting love in and women in relationships / married women to do a relationship reset.
These programs will be at a symbolic price of 97 euros only, so that many of you, especially our new readers, can experience Sami magic at a low-risk price!
Comment below and say “yes” if you’re interested in working with me live. If we have over 200 people interested, I will offer this! We’ve received around 130 “YESes” so far!
Sami has been seen on The Daily Mail, The Elephant Journal, The Natural Health Magazine, and The Huffington Post.
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I have been in a few bad relationships and have ended them. Been single for a while now and hear it from friends all the time about being picky. I don’t feel picky, I feel like I don’t want to end up with the same kind of relationship that I’ve been in before.My last relationship ended the moment i walked in on him in the old ladies bed naked,thanks to”hackingloop6@ g m a i l.c o m”for earlier hacking his phone and gained me remote access to his phone activities,on that day i located their venue through GPS tracker,and ugh it all ended.
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Thank you for your advise. It seems as if I am the ghosting queen. I have been seeing this really nice guy, or so I thought, since July. Prior to exchanging numbers, he pursued me for 4 months. When we began to date, he was very kind and gentle with me. He was a breath of fresh air. I have not dated someone like him in awhile. I had mentioned to him that I wanted to take a much needed break from work and he surprised me with a two day getaway. Well, let me say that it was a wonderful, fun weekend. But upon returning from the weekend, I noticed a change in his behavior. His calls and texts slowly halted. This made old feelings come up and I was not happy. All the advise you gave on ghosting is so true but it hurts like hell and makes one feel inadequate. I know how to get over it but why does it have to hurt so much.
The Ghosted One
it’s advice.
I was hoping to get an idea how to reply to a man who’ve been dating for 2-3 months, he ghosted you and then came back. What do you say to him if you want to give him another change?
My current bf of 7 months started acting like this. He very slowly started to come over less and less while recently not reading my messages/ respond like he use to or doing one solid words days later after my messages and not addressing everything I’ve said previously. My question is how long does one sorta wait to ‘breakup’… a month? Two? I made him fudge for Christmas which he told me he loved fudge. Not only did he cut out the smallest piece in the world but he said he was gonna give it to his dad to eat. I felt this was absolutely insulting.
I was in a relationship with a man who was a lot older than me. I am 51 he is 69. I have 2 dogs and he knew this.
I never lied but it seemed the 1 dog would literally come between us. He did not try to be nice to the dog he teased her. So 1 day he got mad and said he did not want the dog on the couch anymore. He kept complaining about the dogs.
One day He started in and I had so much going on. I had lost my dad 7 months earlier and my best friend to cancer. Now my cousin is dying. I just said I don’t want to fight please bring me home. After 3 days I tried calling him no answer. I could not leave a message. I called maybe 8 or 9 times after. Now it has been a month.
I left things at his house and so I contacted his friend and said sorry but I need my things back and Jack is no where to be seen. He said he called Jack and he would return my things on Thursday. It is Sunday now and he has not returned anything.
In our relationship he said ” I was the last girl for him” he said he loved me and got me a friendship ring. And then because I said I just wanted to go home, he ghosted me. I even said I would leave his helmet outside the door, inside of it lays a note. Not a mean one but one that says nice things. He has not come around. Now he is not on social media and never has been so I can’t leave a message there.
He is gone.
I am currently being ghosted- seeing a guy for a few months, everything was great- then last month he ghosted me when we had plans. Nothing- 5 days later I hear from him that he lost his phone. Okay benefit of the doubt. Well- same thing again- had plans- ghosted again and now almost a week with zero contact. I texted a few times asking what was going on- said if he needed space just say so. I know sometimes guys get overwhelmed when they have a lot going on- some of it serious- and are not good multitaskers like women are when it comes to life and relationships.
Men are Neanderthals and clearly don’t understand what it does to a woman when this happens because they are too wrapped up in their little compartments and cannot easily switch compartments. I have been in AGONY for a week- can’t eat, constant shaking and anxiety and crying. I finally got a little response- essentially “leave me alone, I need to be alone. You didn’t do anything wrong. Don’t make me block you. I’ll reach out to you.”
You know– all he had to tell me at the very beginning was “I need some space to process these other things going on so I will be quiet for a while, it’s not you I promise and I will be back in touch” and maybe an I love you? But NO….and I have told him many times- just be honest. I am a mature woman- I understand men need space at times- but GHOSTING s so WRONG! But we women have to be the ones to accept it happens and then walk on eggshells if he decides to come back for fear of upsetting him and having him Ghost all over again! UGH!!
I think the fact that this left you crying, shaking, unable to eat is your sign that you need to do more inner work and be ok with yourself no matter what happens externally. Of course you’re gonna FEEL upset and you should feel your feelings and give yourself space to do that but to go on for weeks and pine and call and bother him. He should not have had to tell you to leave him alone. You know men need space. So you should have mirrored his actions and not contacted him at all. It’s easier said than done to be happy and peaceful even when the man you love ghosts you but with practice you can be self-reliant, faithful to your own peace of mind, “unfuc$withable”! No one or no thing should be able to take that much power and energy from you. YOU are the “prize” here and he’s the one who needs to miss and pine for you so that he will be prompted to reach out. Besides you are putting too much pressure on him to say certain things or act the way you want him to and when he doesn’t, it destroys you. I’m writing a book that will help you forevermore. When it’s published I will come back and post the link for you. I’m not being harsh, I’m just not sugar coating. Your self worth is in danger and you need to rebalance the energy here and probably in most areas of your life. Put how you feel first no matter what.
I really appreciate your insight. It just reiterated what I’ve kind of already felt which was after days of not hearing from this person I got the answer that I was asking for. No call/text or communication simply means they do NOT consider you import or valuable enough to consider such a gesture. It is inconsiderate and rude! Im certainly adult enough to hear if someone does not wish to continue dating. I’ve always been they type to say- “The sooner I know this isn’t going to work the better.” You know, so we’re not wasting time. I just didn’t know a man could ‘ghost’ after months of dating without an explanation ??♀️. I’m 45, so I’m becoming more calloused to say the least. But I’ll NEVER sell myself short and find ANY excuse acceptable after 2 weeks of not communicating. And ladies, if your ghoster tries to return ( like they usually do) PU-LEEEEASE don’t go back! This simply tells him that you are OK with it and he surely will do it again or who knows what else. Be strong ??
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